Regarding Corwin & Fiona (Walking The Logris)

Seriously talented writer, check him out x

thesnakepitdotco

If my heart has a reason.
Surely, it’s because of you.
Even in my darkest seasons.
You were my truth.

…I lost your youth.

For you: I had to wake up.
For you I had to break.
If things get blurry … (If I’m too much in a hurry).
I pray you’ll wait.

…until I get things straight.

My words feel empty.
But, I swear I can’t hold their weight.

dh (2014)

 

View original post

Advertisements
Posted in Uncategorized | 1 Comment

Yeah ok, so it’s a why me post…so what!

So yeah…i’m fed up, at breaking point or however the hell else you want to describe it.

6 years ago today I lost the most important man in my life. Ever. My husband will never top him, no-one ever will. My dad. It still hurts 6 years down the line. I still don’t want to believe it, I still think every damn transit van I hear on my street is him. Then you’ve got all these bible bashing freaks (sorry, it’s my opinion) blabbing on how God is with him and with me. How the actual fuck is God with me?! I lost my dad far too young, my children are not neurotypical and my life ultimately sucks big fat hairy biker balls (extremely sweaty in all that leather…).

I love my children and the issues that they have that make them them. I’ve always said if I could take it away from them that I wouldn’t because its what makes them the children they are. Do I mean that? Do I fuck, if I could take it all away of course I would. I’d have “normal” healthy bright happy children, with bright futures where they could do what the hell they want. Have good careers, happy family lives and everything they could wish for. People reading this may think that that is what they will have. Don’t give me that crap. My little boy Daniel has classic autism, he cannot speak and may never. Cameron has a diagnosis of ADHD and is now being tested for Asperger Syndrome and Tourettes Syndrome. It’s going to seriously impact on his life, he may never hold down a job or ever have a serious relationship with someone who understands him. Daniel may never even leave home. 

Of course I accept this future for my sons, but it doesn’t mean I have to like it. I don’t. I fucking hate it. Every little thing that marks them as different. The suicide ratings that are going to haunt me for the rest of my life. Sometimes I just want to run away from it all, if I pack everything up, can I outrun the reality we face as a family?

The truth of it all is I just want my dad. I want him to wrap me up in those big arms of his and tell me everything will be ok. I want him to tell me the kids will be fine. I want comfort and the one person who could provide it is gone. I just can’t do this anymore.

Posted in Uncategorized | 26 Comments

Warning…rant ahead!

ok, so rant time…

I’m sick to death of being tarred with the “single mum” brush. Yes I am married, no my husband and I don’t live together. I’m not a single mum, but in the eyes of the law I am. I receive income support, child tax credits and child benefit. I am not a layabout, I don’t claim benefits because I “can’t afford” my children. Along with the benefits I receive, I also get carers allowance and I receive Disability Living Allowance for Cameron and soon to be Daniel. I am a full-time carer to my beautiful, special boys. Now for those who think it’s a mums job to care for their children, yes it is, but to those parents who have neurotypical (normal) children, you won’t be changing your childs bum at 6 years old will you? You won’t be celebrating your childs first word at 8 will you? I never asked for my children to be autistic, it was never “part of the plan”. Just because it was unexpected and changed my life forever, doesn’t mean I would change it for the world.
So next time you wanna write about single mums not wanting jobs, happy to stay on benefits and steal all your taxpayers money, think again. You never know whats round the corner and you never know what kind of hardships the people you’re judging actually face.

</rant>

Posted in Uncategorized | 5 Comments

Remembering you on this special day.

This day in 1955 you were born.
An innocent child starting his walk in life.
Born to a mother who didn’t care
And a father who simply wasn’t there.
You worked hard in life, raised us well.
Yet never got to reap the rewards that are your grandkids.
In our house I tell stories of you
Of all the silly things you did.
How your smile made everything alright again
How your hugs were better than medicine.
You’ve never met Daniel or Blake, and Cameron was far too young to remember you
But you live on in the hearts of my children
Who will always know that their grandad was, quite simply, the most amazing person I have ever known
And how he holds my love and respect
Until the day I see you again.
I love you dad, happy birthday

Your loving daughter

Lorna x

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , | 3 Comments

Never forget.

Ok so normally this blog is for updates about my children, and that’s not really gonna change. However, its a week away from my dads birthday, the most amazing man I have ever had the pleasure to know. He died nearly 6 years ago and not a day passes where I don’t think of him and remembering him still brings tears to my eyes.

I’ve always been a firm believer in poetry as a form of therapy and given the circumstances I am sharing the poems I wrote when the feeling was considerably more raw than it is today, enjoy.

You’re gone.

Daddy you should be with me now,
But god has taken you from me.
You’re up in heaven doing what you loved,
I wish I could find the right words daddy.

You were the one that held me up,
When I felt my world would fall.
You’ve helped me through so many things,
Together we conquered them all.

As a child you were my hero dad
A feeling that followed into adulthood.
You were only 51 when you passed dad,
Why does god take the good?

I know you’ve been to see mum, dad
I’m glad you’ve been to say goodbye
I’m waiting for you to see me dad
I hope you won’t pass me by.

You have gone to sleep now,
It’s with the angels you will stay,
Cameron will never forget you dad,
You’ll be with him to watch him play.

I just want to say I love you dad
There’s so many things left unsaid.
I find the hardest thing to say
Is that you’re gone…you’re dead

I want you to be at ease dad
I want things to be right
So I’ll end things here dad
I love you, sleep tight.

Then a year later, I wrote this one.

Waiting.

When you left me you took my heart
I hate the fact that we’re apart
I miss you more with each day that passes
I’ll send my message to the masses

I’ll shout it from the rooftops for you
I have no shame for how much I love you
Stronger than I thought I could be
Knowing you’re standing right beside me

I try to find the right words to say
That I think about you everyday
One day I know I’ll see you again
I’ll be waiting until then.

I’ll love and miss him for the rest of my life,

One broken hearted daddys girl x

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , | 4 Comments

Finding the time to post!

So I’m sitting in the car waiting for my husband who has gone to the dentist for an extraction, might as well post whilst I have the chance! Sitting in a car with 3 fed up boys, raining so they can’t play…fun!

Daniel has been making amazing progress with his babbling, when I get him out of his cot in the morning we have plenty of “cuds” when we play games we have “eddy” “deddy” then mummy says GO! He’s also learnt a brilliant new trick…poop in the nappy then take it off and dump it on the floor! Little to no progress on his eating but everything takes time and I’m thankful for the small miracles he’s making as it is.

Cameron has been a delight this weekend, aside from being very poorly, he’s spent his time gaming on his xbox, playing with his brother and reading. Considering this time last year he couldn’t read and now he’s reading books without pictures we are incredibly proud of him.

Blakey boy is now on solid food, considering he’s nearly 6 months old he’s a lot later than his brothers were on weaning, but had his first chocolate pudding yesterday and its clear to see he has his fathers sweet tooth lol.

This week I will mostly be chasing up various appointments for both Cameron and Daniel. It has now been 7 months since Cameron saw the paediatrician, and Daniel is due appointments with speech and language therapy, paediatrician and the educational psychologist.

We’ve had some major downs this week along with probable highs. We were supposed to be moving home. I’d packed pretty much everything up and was preparing to get rid of my furniture (we signed for a fully furnished house) and were just waiting on a moving date. I was informed about a week ago that the house had been petrolbombed… Move cancelled, not risking my children’s lives for a house. The high is that I have found someone willing to exchange my house for theirs. I have to wait until Feb as she’s not a secure tenant but its a beautiful 3 bed house putting us closer to our friends and family. Good times ahead?

T x

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , | 5 Comments

Sorry!

Sorry for the hiatus my poor blog has been forced to take…its been manic here with the kids, the house…and oh! I’m moving! A 4 bedroomed house, across the “road” from my best childhood friend. Our children will grow up together as we did and I am soooooo excited! Pics will come as soon as I’m in there!

Right, so a VERY belated THANK YOU! to my good friend Mondrak For the numerous awards, I shall follow their instructions ASAP! This man’s blog is truly inspiring, regardless of what is happening in his life, he still finds time to discover the true beauty of this shite world we live in and for that I thank him.

Moving on to my boys, Cameron has gone back to school today…YAY! I love my boy more than life itself but this summer has been a nightmare and I am glad to see the back of it! It was his birthday on Monday (27th) amd he turned 7. He got plenty from mummy and daddy, nanna and grandad and his Auntie Kirsty and Uncle Ant. Unfortunately I have 2 other sisters and a brother as well as a mother who did nothing more than send a message to say happy birthday. We took him out for a meal on the Sunday but the big day itself brought no visitors, no well wishers and certainly no gifts. Now I’m not a materialistic person, but out of his umpteen family members, Cameron got a grand total of 6 birthday cards…two of those being from his dad and me and his siblings. His biological father and his family haven’t acknowledged Cameron since he was 2 so it comes as no surprise that his day was nothing to them.

Daniel has come on in leaps and bounds. We still have no words or real talking but his babbling has made brilliant progress and he’s got rid of his bottle and now he even drinks juice from his beaker. We have had visits from the educational psychologist, early years team and his paediatrician appointment. It is universally acknowledged that Daniel is severely autistic, its just a case of attempting to define what form and his functionality.

Last but not least we have the baba, whom I realise I have yet to name on my blog, so welcome to my blog baby Blake! He’s nearly 5 months old now, babbles like a beast and can sit up (supported) and today finally rolled from his back to his front! Well done Blakey! It might seem a bit paranoid but I watch his every moment and progression and as much as I love my boys, I am praying that Blake is neurotypical…so far so good!

As I said I shall follow the rules of my awards as soon as physically possible, I am incredibly appreciative of them and do not want my dear friend to think I’ve forgotten.

Much love,

T x

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , | 1 Comment

Paediatrician time…

Daniels first appointment with the paediatrician is this afternoon. She’s received the report from carol peters and the referral. Obviously not expecting a diagnosis for his first appointment, but a mixture of excited and apprehensive. Will do a big update later with how it went…wish us luck!

T x

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , | 2 Comments

Proud mummy time!

Ok… so he didn’t do it of his own accord or properly but i’m hoping with the time and patience put in he’ll make the connection…but Daniel “wee’d in the potty”!! He started to pee on the floor and I whipped the potty in front of him, which he then decided to have a good look at. He wasn’t scared or upset by what i’d done and I gave him a heap of praise for it.

2nd proud mummy moment of the day with Daniel, he regressed quite badly before he was a year old and stopped eating food for a long time, he started on biscuits and with slow persistance, he now eats 10month baby food jars (he gags on anything else) nutrigrain bars, rice crispie squares, fruit wriggles and as of today…strawberry yogurt! As with all foods, even ones he’s used to, I had to gently push his head back so he removes his hands from his eyes and he opened his mouth and let me put a tiny bit in. He pulled several really funny faces bless him before opening his mouth and grabbing at my hand for more!

Things like this may seem really small for some people, but it gives me hope. Hope that he will be able to talk to me, that he will be able to use a toilet…things that a lot of people take for granted. Although the tolerance for autism has improved, it’s not enough and its taking far too long for other people to be educated. I receive many dirty looks about Daniel still being in a pushchair (I have a tandem which he and his baby brother share) purely because they’re not aware that he has no sense of self preservation, he has ran out in the path of a car (incredibly scary incident involving revolving doors at a hotel) ignorance is bliss but it’s ok to judge my child on how he behaves? Anyway, thats a rant for another time.. Well done Daniel, mummy is so very proud of you!

Tx

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , | 5 Comments

Time to put faces to names…

My beautiful boys, Cameron and Daniel sharing a very rare cuddle, mummy loves you babies x x x

image

And another of all 3 of my baby boys relaxing on the sofa, not hitting each other for once! X x x

image

They are my world and I love them always.

T x

Posted in Uncategorized | 1 Comment