Yeah ok, so it’s a why me post…so what!

So yeah…i’m fed up, at breaking point or however the hell else you want to describe it.

6 years ago today I lost the most important man in my life. Ever. My husband will never top him, no-one ever will. My dad. It still hurts 6 years down the line. I still don’t want to believe it, I still think every damn transit van I hear on my street is him. Then you’ve got all these bible bashing freaks (sorry, it’s my opinion) blabbing on how God is with him and with me. How the actual fuck is God with me?! I lost my dad far too young, my children are not neurotypical and my life ultimately sucks big fat hairy biker balls (extremely sweaty in all that leather…).

I love my children and the issues that they have that make them them. I’ve always said if I could take it away from them that I wouldn’t because its what makes them the children they are. Do I mean that? Do I fuck, if I could take it all away of course I would. I’d have “normal” healthy bright happy children, with bright futures where they could do what the hell they want. Have good careers, happy family lives and everything they could wish for. People reading this may think that that is what they will have. Don’t give me that crap. My little boy Daniel has classic autism, he cannot speak and may never. Cameron has a diagnosis of ADHD and is now being tested for Asperger Syndrome and Tourettes Syndrome. It’s going to seriously impact on his life, he may never hold down a job or ever have a serious relationship with someone who understands him. Daniel may never even leave home. 

Of course I accept this future for my sons, but it doesn’t mean I have to like it. I don’t. I fucking hate it. Every little thing that marks them as different. The suicide ratings that are going to haunt me for the rest of my life. Sometimes I just want to run away from it all, if I pack everything up, can I outrun the reality we face as a family?

The truth of it all is I just want my dad. I want him to wrap me up in those big arms of his and tell me everything will be ok. I want him to tell me the kids will be fine. I want comfort and the one person who could provide it is gone. I just can’t do this anymore.

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About tieore

Full-time mum to 3 beautiful boys. 2 that aren't neurotypical but my entire world all the same xx
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26 Responses to Yeah ok, so it’s a why me post…so what!

  1. Alastair says:

    I understand where you are coming from, you know I do. I can’t say I know how you feel as I haven’t lost a parent, although the possibility was there just recently. But don’t panic. These three poems. I know you know them. You may just need to be reminded of them. Also, Mother Teresa said “I know God won’t give me anything I can’t handle, but why does he have to have so much faith in me”

    http://wp.me/pOTN0-x4
    http://wp.me/pOTN0-j6
    http://wp.me/pOTN0-j8

    Don’t panic Tieore. You will cope. You have the strength

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  5. Hang in there. I lost my Dad in 2003–way too young, too–and regret so much lost time. All I know for sure is this: Dad would want the best for me, and the best FROM me, and so I try…here’s something a counselor once recommended to me, after I told him how many great conversations I’d missed (and miss) with him. He said to go ahead and have them anyway…and so I have, and I do, and though Dad doesn’t answer, at least I am talking to him. God bless you, you have a lot on your plate and I wish strength for you, sister.

  6. Teresa Cleveland Wendel says:

    I’m so sorry for what you face, but I know you have the strength inside to do what you need to do. I think educating folks about these disorders is a great thing to do so those right hearted ones will understand our children who have these disorders. (My grandson has Aspergers.) Thinking of you.

  7. My heart goes out to you. I lost my Dad in 2008 and he had had a good life but I still miss him. His death made me an orphan, even though I’m properly grown up(!) I still feel like that and miss them both all the time.

    There is a poem on my blog today, an ancient Sanskrit text, which helped me through some very bad times. I am aware that my bad times with my son came to an end after 3and a 1/2 years and yours will go on but I hope the poem may help in some small way, along with those sent by Alastair.

    All the best to you 🙂

  8. poppytump says:

    Have come by Alistairs blog . You have a good friend there who seems to understand you well , that is such a big bonus when you are feeling ****
    End of year can be hard I know . Tomorrow there’s a new day new year all up for grabs … do something nice for yourself … however small 🙂

  9. My Tropical Home says:

    I found your blog through Alastair’s…although these will never come close to your Dad’s, here are a couple of warm but not so huge hugs from this part of the world. Be strong…and don’t quit!

    Warmest regards from the Philippines,
    Mary

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