So yeah…i’m fed up, at breaking point or however the hell else you want to describe it.
6 years ago today I lost the most important man in my life. Ever. My husband will never top him, no-one ever will. My dad. It still hurts 6 years down the line. I still don’t want to believe it, I still think every damn transit van I hear on my street is him. Then you’ve got all these bible bashing freaks (sorry, it’s my opinion) blabbing on how God is with him and with me. How the actual fuck is God with me?! I lost my dad far too young, my children are not neurotypical and my life ultimately sucks big fat hairy biker balls (extremely sweaty in all that leather…).
I love my children and the issues that they have that make them them. I’ve always said if I could take it away from them that I wouldn’t because its what makes them the children they are. Do I mean that? Do I fuck, if I could take it all away of course I would. I’d have “normal” healthy bright happy children, with bright futures where they could do what the hell they want. Have good careers, happy family lives and everything they could wish for. People reading this may think that that is what they will have. Don’t give me that crap. My little boy Daniel has classic autism, he cannot speak and may never. Cameron has a diagnosis of ADHD and is now being tested for Asperger Syndrome and Tourettes Syndrome. It’s going to seriously impact on his life, he may never hold down a job or ever have a serious relationship with someone who understands him. Daniel may never even leave home.
Of course I accept this future for my sons, but it doesn’t mean I have to like it. I don’t. I fucking hate it. Every little thing that marks them as different. The suicide ratings that are going to haunt me for the rest of my life. Sometimes I just want to run away from it all, if I pack everything up, can I outrun the reality we face as a family?
The truth of it all is I just want my dad. I want him to wrap me up in those big arms of his and tell me everything will be ok. I want him to tell me the kids will be fine. I want comfort and the one person who could provide it is gone. I just can’t do this anymore.